Saturday, 2 May 2015

A personal blog for once

Hi everyone, so for once I'm writing this persoaln blog.  I think it's probably because I'm scared of spamming up my FB too much with status's but hey ho.  So I just finished watching Sprinkle of Glitter's family vlogs.  She is someone who I look up to so much, like I can't even put into words how much I look up to her.  When I watch her videos I just think "wow I wish I could be like her"  she's always so happy (at least what we see of her, she will like any other human have her down days) and always seems to stay positive.  Not only that but the other day I found out her and Matt are no longer an item (it breaks my heart) and yet they've managed to go on holidays together and spend time together for Darcy's sake.  This is something I really admire as this is what I would of always wanted with David's father but sadly it can't be that way due to reasons I don't wish to go into.  We are getting better even though we shall always have our dis-agreements (mostly because we are probably both to stubborn when we think we know what's best for David). 

Anyway it got me thinking.  Why do I always doubt myself?  Lots of mums on Facebook think I'm a wonderful mum I always get "wow you do so much with David your amazing" etc etc.  While I blush and say thank you it really doesn't feed my ego unlike with most people it probably would.  Infact in some sort of odd way it makes me feel depressed.  Not because I'm not grateful but because I say in my head "if only you knew".  My house isn't tidy at the best of times infact even as I type this downstairs is a tip.  I don't want it to be like that though of course not just being pregnant now at 36 weeks has made it now impossible for me to bend down.  In fact I can't even walk properly now.  I won't go into all the gross details but basically everytime I walk it hurts.  The irony is if I walk a lot it hurts even more I feel like I can't win.  Not only this but I sometimes cave into David way to easily in fact Matthew disciplines him better then me.  I have been getting better though but there is still improvement to be made.  Then there are the times where I'm such an emotional hormonal wreck I just sit there and cry asking "why won't you listen to a word I say?  What have I done?" now of course doing that in front of David is cruel and it's rare to happen but it has happened indeed.  

So I'm not this perfect amazing pinteresty mum people may make me out to be in fact I just like education I always have ever since I was a little girl.  Other then the activities I do with David I'd go as far as to say I'm an awful mum.  I'm probably being to harsh on myself as always but I just can't help it.  I always strive be a better human being.  Probably due to paranoia.  Not that I help myself at all because fuck me my Facebook is riddled with my over opinionated mind.  It's just how I am though.  I know for a fact people are on my Facebook not because they like me, but because they like to see my statuses and probably laugh at me.  Heck I would go so far as to say I'm probably a laughing stock to the dengie.  That's not me having a big ego by the way it's because I used to be well that is what it felt like in school anyway and it still feels that same way in some aspects.  I tried to have the "I don't give a fuck" light on but sometimes it fades and all the fucks I didn't give come flooding in.  

All in all I dunno why I attack myself like I do as I probably shouldn't but when I weigh up my parenting skills the negatives in my eyes always outweigh the positives. 


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